What a time to be alive, amirite?
What a time to do anything…especially separation.
I’m losing and winning.
I feel like I’m doing something I’ve been waiting for and something I was hoping would never happen.
I sorta feel guilty even writing about this because I don’t want to overstep Joe’s boundaries.
However, I do want to give myself a space to be honest.
This is my blog.
I will only tell my side of the story.
His side is his story; he writes it.
Which means he will never tell it because he heals in a way that I don’t.
I’m sorry for my part in hurting you, Joseph. I’m sorry doesn’t even cover it. I forgive you for hurting me, I hope one day you can forgive me too.
He moves out next week.
Reality is starting to hit me.
I would be a liar if I said I’m completely okay.
I’m not okay.
I absolutely hate change.
It scares me, it awakens my anxiety.
The last eight and a half years have been the most stable point in my life so far.
My childhood set me up to being use to chaos.
To think of disrupting this comfort is terrifying.
Those feelings are overwhelming and it makes me want to shut down and stay put.
The what if’s and maybe’s make me question if I should just ‘stick it out’.
For better or for worse, right?
Till death do us part, right?
I had an incredible conversation with a girlfriend a few weeks ago.
I was still wrestling with the idea of being done.
She asked me “what happens if that version of you is dead?”
I know all humans change in time and that comes with growing old and becoming wiser, hopefully.
I know ‘we’ put so much pressure on ourselves to make relationships work, especially if there are children involved.
Hear me out though- what if I told you it doesn’t have to be the way it has always been?
What if you don’t do it for me anymore?
How silly is it that anyone should carry the weight of being unhappy?
No… Silly isn’t the right word.
How downright degrading is it to be taught that if you get married, you have to stay married?
My first thought right now, is as a mother, I would never want my children to feel the way I have, over my dead body.
I want our babies to experience having two equally healthy parents.
I am in the thick of self-growth and emotional recovery.
Every day I choose to be a better mom and individual outside of motherhood.
I don’t want to be a wife right now.
I want to be Mikah.
I want to put myself first and I know that sounds selfish as fuck, maybe it is.
I was the best wife I could be.
I cooked, cleaned, put out when I was suppose to and am still raising well behaved kiddos.
I don’t wanna pat myself on the back but, FUCK I WAS KILLING IT.
I still am killing it, in a different way now.
I am proud of myself for going back to school.
I’m proud of myself for saying I would do something, and DOING IT.
I’m proud for going to therapy.
I’m proud for recognizing I’m not okay without medication.
I’m proud of working out and eating better.
I’m proud of the mother I am.
I’m proud of the friend I’m becoming.
I’m proud for being vulnerable.
I’m proud of myself.
I’m fucking KILLING IT!
It’s okay to be your biggest fan, after all, I did all the work, why wouldn’t I be?
I’m proud of Joe, too.
He started therapy, too.
He’s working out.
He’s blossoming and it feels good to see.
I think the thing with divorce is people assume you have to hate each other.
You can’t be friends.
There has to be some kind of turmoil, right?
Again…I ask, why?
Why can’t I want the absolute best future for the father of my kids?
HOW SILLY to be any other way.
We are still a team.
We will always be in each others lives.
Our children deserve normalcy and that does not mean it has to be together.
If you don’t try to make your ex’s life easier by being respectful then you are a piece of shit.
I said what I said.
Being toxic and petty is so last year.
Healing is in.
Being kind is cool.
He took Lennox to see his new house yesterday.
Which is only 4 minutes from my place.
If that isn’t the universe, I don’t know what is.
He face-timed me so I could see too.
Lenny was running around in the background giggling and thought the backyard was cool.
After we hung up Joe text me…
Of course the mom in me has been worried.
I am never away from my kids.
Him moving out will start that…for now we will do every other day. Neither of us want to be away from them.
I find a lot of comfort in knowing my kids have the best dad.
He’s a great dad.
That’s something I did right.
I don’t have to fear him not being involved and I know not every person gets that.
Hell, I didn’t even get that.
My parents were equally not involved in my life.
We get to break the cycle of trauma each of our parents exposed us too.
We get to give our kids something we never had, two healthy parents.
That is gold, bro.
Change is painful.
Growth is painful.
This is going to hurt.
The worst pain has brought me the greatest joy in the end.