I suppose I should dive right into this one.

Get it?




Ok, you’re right.

I’ll stop.

Somewhere after affair guy, I met squirter guy.


I know you’re reading this thinking ‘uh what the fuck, Mikah?


I saw affair guy from March until the end of June.

In that time we had a falling out for about 3 weeks, I activated a dating app and matched with SG.

(Squirter guy) keep up because I’m only going to initials from here on out.

It was the one and only time I did a dating app.

Shortly after I matched with him and kinky guy, (you’ll meet him later) I deleted my profile.

I’m not ready to write about AG (affair guy) yet.

I will indulge in a few details for now.

In the middle of May, we picked back up where we left off.


I was stuck between my feelings for him and also wanting to live my best life during the summer and during my divorce period.

Judge me if you must. I would too.

Things continued with him and I, until July 4th weekend.

I had put my feelings for him on the backburner and was more consumed in doing ‘me.’

I didn’t give him as much attention or time.

I stopped being so available emotionally.

After a few days of not hearing from me or hearing very little, he told me he was taking ‘this silence as a permeant thing.’

I replied back as honest as I could be and told him I wanted space.

I needed time to myself.

I hadn’t at all started my process in healing from leaving TW.

I wasn’t sure if my feelings for him were so strong because I was attention starved or because they were real.

He didn’t push or try to make me feel bad, so we parted ways on okay terms.

I continued the summer seeing SG and KG.

Ultimately I ended summer with seeing neither.

Let’s back up a bit.

It’s May 3rd.

SG and I match, he sends me a message.

He said something about playing his Xbox and my vagina immediately went inside itself.

I think I have PTSD from TW playing so much.

I will never (and I can’t stress this enough) date another man who plays a fucking game station.

INSTANT turn off.

Of course, me being the sassssy bitch that I am, replied back with something along the lines of ‘gross.’

We quickly chatted about why I hated it.

Which made him tell me about how he would fuck the daylights out of his girlfriend before ever playing.

I was all “bullshit, show me for science?”

He sends me his address and I show up a little bit after midnight.

I’m nervous.

I know you’re reading this thinking “mhhhmmmmmmmm ain’t nervous enough, hoe.”


Curiosity killed the cat.

Get it?

The cat being my pussy…and he did indeed murder it.

Anyone else blushing with me right now?

Ok, anyways, back to the bullshit.

I’m in his room.

Which was very clean and organized.

His bed was not on the floor.


I’m like okay 10/10 on first impressions.

He was sober.

He had already mentioned that before I came.

I had a few white claws with me (sponsor me lolz) so I sat in this chair he had in his room and sipped on them while we chatted.

He sat on the bed across from me.

He didn’t make me feel uncomfortable or like we had to get right down to it.

We talked about him and his choice to be sober.

We talked about me becoming a single mom; his mom was too growing up, so he gave me some very admirable insight.

I enjoyed the conversation and his personality in general.

Then I’m thinking damn…he’s kinda young.

Only 25.

No kids and only one serious relationship before.

I’m like no fucking wayyyyyy this guy is going to make me cum.

One of the last conversations we had before I took my clothes off was about how he made his ex squirt for her first time.

At this point, I had never squirted in my life.

I was under the impression that only some women could.

I didn’t really understand how it happened or how it was caused.

I shared that with him.

So I’m on the bed.

Things are moving along.

I’m naked.

He’s naked.

I was admiring how dark it was so I could just focus on feeling and not my mind wondering to “can he see my stretch marks? Is my vagina different than what he’s use to?”

Keep in mind his age, he’s use to matching with girls 19/20/21.

I was worried my mom pussy wouldn’t be able to compare.

He started with eating me out.

And it was goo0ooo0o0o0od.

It’s always hit or miss with dudes knowing how to give head.

It’s either not enough in the right area (being the clit) ((stop putting your tongue into my vagina opening you fucking weirdos! IT FEELS LIKE NOTHING!)) or too much all over the place.

Picture an ice cream cone.

You know the tip of a fresh vanilla cone from Sonic?

Now picture the tip of that as a clitoris.

Lightly but firmly, make contact with the tip of your tongue to the clit.

Up and down.

Side to Side.

Just keep a constant rhythm.

Practice makes perfect.

(This is not a proposition. Don’t message me after you read this.)

I’ve had really good head one other time and it was when I was 17, working at five guys.

Yes, all five guys wanted to fuck me too.

His name was Mike.

I wasn’t as promiscuous at that age so it took awhile for me to sleep with him.

We only did it the one night and I still consider him the best head.

Miss you, buddy.

LMFAO just kidding.

Back to SG eating me like a cupcake.

He took his time.

He was sensual.

He was soft.

He paid attention to all the right places.

He was gooo00o0o0o0od at it.

After about ten minutes he stopped and said “I’m going to try to make you squirt”

He stuck his fingers in me and did that finger thing they do to accomplish squirting.

Built up pressure on the g-spot essentially.

Super focused, super hard (not painful) fingering on the g-spot that creates a build up of fluid.

Then comes the shower.

He didn’t have to try very hard or for very long before I heard him say “you just squirted everywhere”

The bed was wet.

He was wet.

I was wet.

I hadn’t seen his dick yet because it was dark and he had been down town up until this point.

I know when he first went inside me, my first thought was ‘oh thank god a nice sized dick.’

I hate playing Russian roulette with penis size.

I’m not like other girls.

I almost prefer a dick pic so I can decide ahead of time if I want to commit or not.

I can be shallow when it comes to size.

Men can be pigs.

Women can be dogs.

We’re in missionary position.

A personal favorite because I need access to my clit.

No I don’t want to trust you to rub it for me.

I can control my hips and fuck you back.

He was being consistent in his strokes.

Slow and steady.


A little making out, can make it more initiate.

Even though I don’t know this guy, I am thoroughly enjoying the sex we are having.

I felt connected with him.

We were on the same page.

Super rare for a first time hook-up so I was pleasantly surprised.

And I had just squirted for the first time?

Hallelujah – my vagina.

We fucked for a good 30 minutes, switching positions ever so often.

He did make me cum before he would.

What a fucking gentlemen.

You know how rare it is for a guy to hold back until you cum?

Most men don’t even have the control.

This was my first real fuck buddy.

We never texted unless it was to arrange meeting up.

He wasn’t weird with me.

I wasn’t weird with him.

He didn’t expect me to be exclusive to him and vise versa.

We would see each other, maybe every 3 weeks?

If he was busy, I understood and he did the same for me.

The sex got better and better each time.

And yes, when I’d show up, I’d be like ‘do that thing I like’


He was very vocal about my body when we were having sex.

He made me feel desirable.

He would whisper all the right things.

It was fun until it wasn’t.

He hit me with ‘you’re a cool girl. I would hate for this just to be sex. Should we try to hangout sometime?’

We did hangout a few times with no expectation of sex.

We wanted to see how it flowed and he had already admitted to having some feelings for me.

I was too much of a pussy to be honest with him and say ‘I just like your penis’

Don’t get me wrong- I did genuinely enjoy him as human.

We had great conversation and I enjoyed our time we did share outside of sex.

I valued his opinions and advice.

He was kind to me outside of sex.

He would read my entries and send me his input.

He always told me if I needed to stop sex with him, just to say so and he would respect my choice.

A good guy all around.

All that being said, I asked myself “would I go eat a cheeseburger with this person?”


I wouldn’t.

I knew I needed to let him know I didn’t feel the same way but, I didn’t know how.

Or I didn’t want to be the bad guy.

I took the easy way out and stopped replying to him altogether.

Just went silent.

He sent me a few long text back to back when I wouldn’t respond.

All very kind and throughout but you could tell he didn’t understand or appreciate my silence.

I felt bad for being a coward but it wasn’t until the end of August when I felt the worst.

Kinky guy and I had taken a more serious turn.

I liked him a lot.

His entry is next.

Long story short, he ended up going silent on me and breaking things off when it got to be too serious for him.

I mean after all, what is Costco on a Sunday suppose to mean anyways?

Why did he let me have a key to the apartment?

Ok, I’m getting angry again.

Long story short, I didn’t feel bad about being a coward until a coward happened to me.

The sudden cold behavior.

The ‘this meant more to you than it did me’ whilst I return his plant I brought back to life.

After that moment, I promised myself I would never ghost anyone else.

I would never treat someone that way.

It isn’t kind.

Sex or not, I should of been adult enough to say something of substance to him.

Imagine ghosting the guy who makes you squirt for the guy you like more.

Then the guy you like more, who you KNEW was no good, ghosts you.

Why am I the way that I AM?

I’m sorry, A.