Man, this guy really threw me for a doozy.
I first named him “KG”, ‘Kinky guy’, in the last entry I posted.
I changed my mind though.
Meet confusing guy.
I originally ‘met’ him via a dating app.
Which by the way, I will never do again.
I spent two weeks on there before deleting my profile.
If you want to date me, you’ll have to find me in person to ask me out.
And no, I’m not ready to date.
I don’t want to go eat with you.
I can buy my own damn food.
He caught my attention because his bio said ‘dare greatly.’
I knew that came from a Teddy Roosevelt quote, which lead me to believe he probably followed Brene Brown’s work.
I had something on my profile about vulnerability being the key to life.
When he initially reached out to me, he acknowledged that part in my bio.
We quickly began chatting because of some of our similar interests.
He shared that he was sober, had been for awhile.
He was going to school.
Had a day job and while also working with sober living.
Of course, my dumbass ate it up like candy.
He was also very manly and seemed self aware of his feelings and yeah, the exterior very much turned me on.
Fuck he is cute, too.
With his stupid ass dimple.
We talked for 3 days before meeting up in person.
The chemistry flowed there too.
We had already discussed sex, so I knew going over that was a possibility.
I’m all for casual sex.
It is completely okay for adults to engage in casual sex as long as both parties are taking precautions and boundaries are in place.
I was on my period though.
I did inform him of that.
Here is how it goes with men and period sex: I don’t give a fuck I’ll rip your tampon out or ew, contact me in 5 business days.
He sure did do that.
The tampon part.
Sex with him was always wild.
Very seldom was it sensual, which is more up my alley.
I like sloppy kissing and slow strokes.
He preferred to have my ass up in the air and my hands tied behind my back.
He dominated what we did in the bedroom.
I for the most part, did enjoy letting him lead.
He’d straddle my face more than I did to him.
I had never been tied up until then.
At first I was a little weary.
I very vividly remember this one time he had my arms tied to my legs.
I had a butt plug in and he was inside of me.
He was kissing me and going at a steady pace.
I remember telling him I wanted to rub my clit (I don’t have access to it because I’m subdued) he said “this isn’t about you right now”.
I’ll be honest…It was hot as fuck.
I ended up cumming pretty quickly after that.
It was one of the best orgasms I had with him.
Now taking a butt plug out on the other hand, is horrendous.
Pro advice, get a silicone one they feel more comfortable.
In a different butt related incident, he was laying on the bed and I was giving him head.
I worked my way down to his balls and would go back and forth between the two.
Little sucking and licking.
I know not all ladies are sucking balls and it really is a shame.
Gargle your mans nuts.
You wanna hold all the power?
I worked my way down even further, with some encouragement from him.
This was the one and only time I’ve razzle dazzled a guys butthole and woooooooooow.
I gotta say…
He came so quick once I hit him with the swirl of my tongue and some fancy hand work on his dick.
I was proud.
I draw the line at gargling a load though.
I’m a spitter.
Overall I would describe sex with him as erotic.
Was it totally 50 shades of grey?
Eh, more like 13 flavors of lube.
He’d choke me, CORRECTLY.
Slap me with my permission, of course.
There was never a time where he made me feel uncomfortable with something he did.
There were a handful of times when things would slow down in the bedroom and he would lose his hard.
That should of been red flag number one for me.
This man is so afraid of intimacy that if we even *TRY* to have it be my way, instead of his, he could no longer perform.
We talked about it the first time it happened and he reassured me that it had nothing to do with me.
Of course, sometimes it is hard to believe that.
Feelings can get hurt during sex so easily.
It is a vulnerable state to be in, on both sides.
This was pretty early on in our ‘seeing each other?’
I’m not sure what to call it.
I never considered him my boyfriend but we did go to Costco on a sunday…so it’s kinda confusing.
GET IT! CONFUSING GUY!
Like I was saying, it was early on.
We saw each other from May to the end of August.
I know I know…clearly I was a summer class, thanks for the lesson.
This had to of been around June when it first happened (him going soft).
I ended up getting dressed because things were kind of tense between us.
I wanted to finish initially, as in continue having sex or me cumming.
He just shut down instead.
I tried to be like “hey, this isn’t a big deal. Bodies don’t always respond the way we want them to. We can continue in a different way.”
Like lets make out and I’ll use the vibrator.
It doesn’t have to be all dick related or all about his dick working.
Sure, I understand he still needs to consent but shutting down solves nothing.
In fact, I think it created more issues because why does your dick need to be railing me from behind for you to feel adequate?
And if its not, then I just don’t get to orgasm?
So I get dressed.
I’m gathering my purse and at this point, we’ve started to argue a little bit.
I am sure he is feeling insecure.
I understand, I also understand I did nothing to add to that.
I tried to do the opposite.
As I was walking out of the apartment I said ‘maybe this is why girls end up dumping you’.
Something he had shared with me.
However looking back, I think he probably took it as me referring to his penis.
Either way, I shouldn’t have said that.
It was a low blow.
It was a tinge of gaslighting.
It was ugly.
After I said it, he yelled “get the fuck out of my apartment bitch”.
Red flag number 2.
Raising his voice at me is not okay.
Calling me a bitch is not okay.
It should of been done there.
But a bitch loves six flags so I stayed around to see what other rides were available.
We didn’t talk for like a week.
He eventually apologized for calling me a bitch and we made amends.
Things went back to normal between us.
I would say in the middle of July things started to get a bit more serious between us.
I spent all my free time with him.
We’d go eat.
He met a few of my friends.
He went out of town one weekend for work and had me go over to his apartment to let the dog out and water the plants.
I had a key since then.
We hadn’t had the ‘what are we’ talk.
He did ask that if I sleep with someone else, to let him know.
At the beginning we both were okay with casual.
We weren’t exclusive.
I told him from the getgo that I can handle casual sex but that means leaving it in the bedroom.
I didn’t want to text or snap throughout the day if that was the case.
There needs to be boundaries and those were mine.
He pretty much ignored them.
We tagged each other in memes on Facebook.
It was always on his accord though.
Some days he wouldn’t text me at all.
Most days he would.
I liked who he painted himself to be, the exterior.
Even though I knew deep down he was a player and potential sex addict.
I wanted his approval.
I wanted him to want me.
I ignored red flags.
I even saw a tampon in his trash can that wasn’t mine.
I asked him about it, and he hit me with “yeah I had someone over but we didn’t sleep with each other.”
Cause girls just be changing their tampons at dudes houses.
Here I am thinking I’m special tampon girl and I was NOT.
Because we weren’t dating, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to have my feelings hurt.
I dropped it and moved on.
August rolled around and I finally hit him with “I’m having a hard time with my feelings.”
He knew it was time we address the elephant in the room.
I went over and it took me about 30 minutes and 2 sweaty armpits later to get my words out.
I told him everything he already knew.”
I like you but I need more or less from you.
I want to feel reassured in my feelings for you or I want out.”
He asked what he could do to reassure me and I told him I’d appreciate a little more affection.
We had had a very playful, lots of banter type relationship.
I needed it to get a little more serious so I could feel okay about continuing to open up.
I mean I can have a key to your apartment but you can’t hold my hand?
He agreed he would work on it and that we would move in that direction.
Things were like…good.
Going to breakfast.
Made me dinner.
Until they weren’t.
He was upfront with me that once Tech went back to class, he would have a lot less free time.
I hadn’t seen him in almost a week, when he asked if I wanted to come over.
I said do you miss me? Just being playful.
He wouldn’t say it.
HE REFUSED TO SAY I MISS YOU.
I said you can’t show me affection?
He said “Why would you want me to be fake?”
I went over anyway.
I wasn’t exactly mad yet but I could tell the vibe was off.
He was just acting different.
We went to bed.
HAD SEX, OF COURSE HE FUCKED ME.
OF COURSE I LET HIM.
I went home after, usually I just stay the night but I wanted to sleep in my own bed.
I hardly heard from him the next 4 days.
I didn’t want to come off as clingy.
He would post a picture on his Facebook or Instagram though.
So I texted finally and said “are you alice?” (inside joke.)
He gave me a generic ‘might as well be so busy blah blah blah’.
I decided to push a little further and say “too busy to send a text?”
Which turned him off completely.
He took a screen shot of his schedule and sent it to me.
I backed off.
Friday he texted me and asked if I would be free the next day.
I get there and I knew what he was going to tell me.
“I don’t have time for this.
I can’t do this right now.
This obviously meant more to you than it did me.”
He said as soon as I asked him to say I miss you, he froze up.
Everything changed for him then.
Of course not enough to not fuck me that night.
I had tears streaming down my face.
Not because I loved him.
Because of how cold he was treating me.
Like I made up some fantasy relationship in my head.
He used me and I let him.
I quietly gave him his key back and left.
I have a lot of feelings about it.
On one hand I needed a lesson like that.
I knew what he was capable of.
I should of never allowed him to continue to disrespect my boundaries.
I should of believed him when he showed me who he was.
I shouldn’t of chased his potential.
He was emotionally unavailable and that had nothing to do with me.
And I can’t unlick his butthole.
On the other hand rejection hurts.
So it sucked.
I don’t regret my time with him.
We laughed a lot (one time we tried to break an egg with our buttcheeks) ((failed)).
He taught me some things.
I came a lot, too.
Guess who I heard from recently?
Mr. Confusing Guy himself.
Four months after dumping me because his ego wouldn’t allow him to develop further feelings.
Tell me why my dumbass was like “awh maybe he’s being genuine”
LMFAO I HATE ME.
I didn’t take the bait.
I told him he hurt my feelings and I’m scared to put myself out there with him again.
He admitted to ignoring my boundaries for selfish reasons.
Said he had to do a lot of reflecting lately and he’s not proud of it.
I figured if he were serious he would prove himself to be.
It has been a month since then and all I’ve gotten is an overdue apology and an IG request that is still pending.
Until about a week ago, I heard from him again.
It quickly turned sexual.
I played along for a bit.
Only to torture him.
Sleeping with him now would go against how I value myself.
He doesn’t deserve to see me naked again.
I think old Mikah would of done it but this Mikah wants to honor herself more.
Sorry, that was really fucking annoying…me talking in third person.
You get what I’m laying down though.
I don’t want to be the woman who lets a man disrespect her and then an apology gets you access to my pussy again.
I don’t like that.
I want him to regret being a tool.
Not my tool.
He is a hoe though.